The Depth of Divine Providence in Shidduchim and the Secret of Joy in the Jewish Home
Lesson No. 34 | Tuesday Morning, Parshas Masei, 27 Tammuz 5755, in the Yeshiva.
Hashem's Divine Providence accompanies a person at every step, and especially in building the Jewish home and finding one's zivug (soulmate). This article explains the power of the Bas Kol (Heavenly voice) that announces shidduchim (marriage matches) every single day, the immense importance of rejoicing in the wife of one's youth, and how joy and gratitude to Hashem are the greatest shield against the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination).
The Complete Bed of Yaakov
It is written that Yaakov Avinu (our Patriarch) went down to the land of Egypt when all of his sons and the tribes were already married. The Midrash HaGadol says regarding the verse:
"Every man and his household came" (Shemos 1:1)
This teaches that everyone who went down to Egypt already had a household, and even the infants were married. How is this possible? Yaakov Avinu prepared brides even for the infants who had not yet grown up, such as Chetzron and Chamul, who were born to Peretz. Halachah (Jewish law) allows a father to accept kiddushin (betrothal) on behalf of his minor children, and Yaakov ensured that no one went down to Egypt without being married.
The goal was to draw down a pure and complete consciousness. All seventy souls who went down to Egypt were married, and thus Yaakov merited a "complete bed" (perfect offspring)—children without sin, all walking on the straight path, baalei teshuvah (masters of repentance), holy and pure.
The Secret of Longevity and the Blessing of the Baal Shem Tov
Yaakov Avinu lived to the age of one hundred and forty-seven years. Regarding the concept of longevity and a good old age, there is a wonderful known story about a disciple of the holy Baal Shem Tov zy"a. Once, this disciple was hosted for Shabbos by a certain Jew, and he noticed a wondrous phenomenon: there were two elderly men in the house, but the elder who looked younger was shouting and scolding the elder who looked older and sicker than him. He said to him, "Why are you coughing? Why are you groaning all day? Stop pampering yourself and acting like this!"
On Motzaei Shabbos (Saturday night), the guest turned to the younger-looking elder and said to him, "You have honored me beautifully, you gave me food and drink, but there is one thing I do not understand. Where is your derech eretz (basic respect) and your kibbud av va'em (honoring of parents)? Why are you, the younger one, shouting at the older man who is suffering from pain?"
The younger-looking elder replied, "Forgive me, but I am the father and he is my son! I am thirty years older than him." Hearing the guest's astonishment, the father explained: "In the past, I was the shamash (attendant) of the Baal Shem Tov. Once, while cleaning his room, I saw his slippers resting in the middle of the room. Out of tremendous fear and awe of his exaltedness, I did not dare touch them even a hairsbreadth, and I only swept around them. When the Baal Shem Tov returned and asked if I had touched his shoes, I answered in the negative. At that moment, he blessed me: 'I bless you that you should have a good old age, that you will be elderly, healthy, and strong.' In the merit of the blessing of the Baal Shem Tov, I look thirty years younger than my son!"
The Heavenly Voice Announcing Shidduchim
From here we learn about the power of Divine Providence, which is expressed most distinctly in the matter of shidduchim. The Gemara in Tractate Sanhedrin says that forty days before the formation of an embryo, a Bas Kol (Heavenly voice) goes forth and announces: "The daughter of so-and-so to so-and-so." However, in Tractate Moed Katan (18b), the Gemara adds a tremendous chiddush (novel insight):
"Rav Yehudah said in the name of Shmuel: Every single day a Bas Kol goes forth and says, 'The daughter of so-and-so to so-and-so, the field of so-and-so to so-and-so.'"
This Bas Kol is not heard just once before birth; rather, it echoes every day and at every moment. Praiseworthy is the one who merits to hear and feel this Bas Kol, which directs him to his true shidduch. The holy Arizal teaches that there is no such thing as a person making a mistake in a shidduch. Every shidduch is from Heaven, and it is the true shidduch that was determined from the Six Days of Creation and lasts until one hundred and twenty years. A person is forbidden to think, "Perhaps this is not my shidduch." Just as Hashem guards you at every step, so too He guards you in your shidduch.
There is No Replacement for the Wife of One's Youth
Every person must rejoice in the wife of his youth. The Gemara warns with great severity against harming the wife of one's youth, and says that anyone whose first wife passes away, it is as if the Holy Temple was destroyed in his days and his world has gone dark.
"Rav Shmuel bar Nachman said: For everything there is a replacement, except for the wife of one's youth."
A person can replace a house or a car, but there is no replacement for the wife of his youth. All the good advice that a husband has comes from the mind of his wife; she is the one who radiates wisdom and counsel upon him. Therefore, one who loses his wife loses his counsel.
The Yetzer Hara, the "Baal Davar" (the Accuser), constantly tries to confuse a person and find flaws in his wife, his children, and his home, in order to break him and cause him to fall into sins. But a person must guard the wife of his youth as the apple of his eye, not allowing the evil inclination to confuse him, and to fulfill the verse: "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Mishlei 5:18). A person finds true peace of mind only from his first wife.
The Secret of Joy and Gratitude
The greatest principle of all is to be in a state of joy. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov teaches that if a person is joyful, he will not stumble into any sin. The Yetzer Hara (evil inclination) tells a person: "Do not be joyful, commit a sin." But a person must reply: "I will not commit any sin! I will be joyful with my wife, with my children, with my family, and with whatever Hashem has given me."
When a person works on attaining joy, he merits siyata d'shmaya (Heavenly assistance), Ruach HaKodesh (Divine inspiration), and the resting of the Shechinah (Divine Presence). He must believe that Hashem is guiding him successfully and giving him the absolute best in the world.
A person's entire purpose in the world is to thank Hashem and sing praises to His exalted Name. The sin of Adam HaRishon (the First Man) was that immediately upon being created, instead of giving thanks, he began with questions and investigations. Hashem wants us to say thank you, to sing, to dance, and to rejoice. This is the secret of joy and perfect emunah (faith) – to know that "Hashem is upright, my Rock, and there is no injustice in Him," and that everything is guided peacefully with miracles and wonders.
Part 1 of 3 — Lesson No. 34